The Chronicles of Grapes and Bunnies

devon_reale @ 2009-11-22T01:13:00

2009-11-22T06:13:19Z

Everyone can go rot in hell. Fuck you, Kaz, Ninia, Eli, Kut, Dee, Ess, A, and all of the rest of you. Just rot in hell.

devon_reale @ 2009-11-01T12:11:00

2009-11-01T17:49:28Z

I keep making things worse.

There's nothing specific that I'm making worse, it's all of the above. It's everything; and I have no idea what the hell it is that I'm doing. Dee hates me now, literally HATES me. She said to me that she ran away from the asylum to get away from me and Kaz, so that we wouldn't know where she went. What the hell is that? I thought she was dead and I panicked so badly when I couldn't find Essence. I care. I just... suck at showing it, I guess.

I feel like I'm just saying the stuff that Kaz says, that I care and just suck at showing it "but Demeter, I really do love you!". Goddammit. Goddammit all.

I did some things to Dee that I probably shouldn't have, though.

All I keep thinking of when I look around this house that seems so small when full and so empty when large is how I was kicked out. How Ninia yelled at me to stop treating Dee like she wasn't a person. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know when I do it, I can't see it when I'm in it.

I'd ask if that was a bad thing, but I know the answer to that, already. I must be bad, anyway, 'cause Dee hates me. I wish I could talk to Kaz about it, because he understands, but the asshole hasn't been answering his phone. After calling every day for a week, I'm not doing it any more. He doesn't want to talk to me, neither he or Mari answer the doorbell, so... whatever.

I feel like I should be mad at him, though. He and Ninia... lied to me about themselves. Kaz is going out with Ninia. I know Nia loves Kaz, but I don't know how Kaz feels towards her. I don't think I want to know. I always thought that I was special to him. He would blow off Demeter, but for me, he was always there. Always.

I suppose I have this feeling like... I'm being replaced. Dee, Kaz, Ninia, and Mari don't want me around. They don't want to talk to me. I'm scared that the others will start doing it, too. It seems as though everybody's been vanishing in one way or another. Dee and Kaz left, Ake died inside, I think, and Eli and I haven't been right for a while.

It's been about a full month since I wore my ring. I feel guilty for it, but I don't know what else to do. Wearing it feels like I'm lying.

Really, I'm more messed up about Mari having cancer and not talking to me than I'll admit. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and...useless.

I want to make things up to Demeter, though. It's because she hates me that my heart aches. I wish I knew what to do.

Now what?

2009-09-11T02:38:45Z

I wish Kaz would call more often. I wish we could go out and see Dee together. Maybe if Kaz is there, I'll finally leave without a punch mark on my face for once.

This is stupid. I thought that therapy was supposed to help calm down anger, not make it worse! She's ticked off at EVERYTHING I do! It's not fucking fair that she's being a snotwipe and I'M still somehow the bad guy! Fucking Demeter just likes blaming everything on me is what it is.

And now she's started 'hinting' that she doesn't want to see me ever again. She's also 'hinting' that she hopes she never sees KAZ again either, and now I'm thinking the crazy is spreading. Dee not wanting to see Kaz? Yeah, right. She obsesses over him.

I must have let my thoughts show on my face, because that's when she punched me.

When it rains, it pours, I guess. If she's serious, then the house is breaking apart .. AGAIN. Kaz already left, Jiro's supposedly staying with Ammy and her group soon (I don't know why and I don't like it, but Kaz is adamant so what am I supposed to do? I'm not his REAL dad.), Dee's in a fucking asylum again, Aot and Akeno are STILL doing the ghostly vanishing act thing, and Ess doesn't do much but clean and tend her garden when she's not reading or sleeping. Kut's at school, but he comes and visits every other weekend when he's not bogged down with schoolwork.

I'm happy for everyone, though. Really.

....Ok, no I'm not. I want a family, but I'm probably toxic or something, since families never work around me. I don't even want a kid with Eli. I'd probably poison him or her and then end up breaking up my relationship with Eli.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just going through the motions again, like I was when I got so depressed, I tried to kill myself. I'm not thinking about it NOW (I mean, I've stopped cutting and all...), but it's just....there's nothing to DO. There's nothing HAPPENING.

it sucks, but...without Kaz and Dee around, everything's so boring. It's the two of them that bring the fucking crazy shit into the house.

I remember, back before Kutsuu was his own person... hell, before the body even popped out of Kaz's head... I'd bought Kaz and Dee a vacation to Florida, 'cause things were getting tense between them both. I just wanted to give them a break from the baby and make them happy. They drag the mood down when they're upset.

Kaz and I decided we should buy Dee some bathing suits. The stuff Mari and I had gotten her years ago didn't fit anymore because she suddenly had BOOBS.

Instead of driving her to the store, Kaz and I shot off in the car a second before she could climb in, laughing our asses off. I didn't drive too fast. Just enough to keep out of her reach while still being close enough to poke fun at her and blow raspberries. She ran the whole way to the store before finally catching up to us parking the car and she slumped onto the hood, panting and gasping and trying to swear at us for laughing our butts off and pretending she wasn't grinning herself.

...I miss that. I miss how we were. I miss Kaz's sparkly eyes whever the word "Jacuzzi" was mentioned, and how Dee would shove him into it as punishment for that look... clothes and all.

We all laughed a lot more back then. Back when we all knew what to do to make each other happy.

I don't know what to do anymore.

And Demeter.

2009-09-02T02:46:41Z

A couple of months ago, Dee and Ess came up to me and teamed up on me, trying to make me see that I was being an asshole to Dee. It didn't work. Dee was, ah, in a diaper soon after that. I got kicked out for that and screamed at for that, and have since (I hope) learned my lesson.

Dee's a hard nut to crack, though. I don't like this part of me that keeps wavering between liking her and being disgusted with her. Isn't she supposed to be like a sister to me?

I want to know why the two of us end up screaming at each other so often. Usually, it's Dee who starts screaming something about how I don't understand her at all and am being a dick or an ass or a shitface or something along those lines, then I start screaming back. She ends up really red in the face and either punches me or walks away in an enraged huff.

This just happened a few minutes ago. Kaz says she's in constant pain, but I doubt it. Dee's too...lithe and athletic and ACTIVE to be in constant pain. She works out more than Kaz and I do combined! Her whole day is spent doing something acrobatic, generally. If she was in pain, I don't think she would be moving around so much.

Like an idiot, I said this to her and she instantly turned purple with rage, screaming that I don't know anything about her body or how it works. She says that she's exercising to help keep her pain from getting worse. And then she brought up that stupid fucking marijuana incident again. This is when she was smoking pot around the house, acting as if it was NOTHING to be doing it, and got mad at me when I told her to get rid of it. Then she grabbed Eli around the neck and slammed him into the wall so I kicked her out.

I seem to kick her out a lot.

Anyway, Dee apparently blames me for Essence destroying all of the rest of the pot before she could smoke it. She was really pissed. And then I did something stupid again, I said, "Well, excuse me for not being all gung ho about a crazy psycho going on drugs!"

And she punched me in the face before I could even finish the last word, much less apologize. =-= It hurts. Then she stomped off.

If anybody knows Dee, it would be me. Essence doesn't count, 'cause she says she IS Dee. But I know Dee. I know Dee from when she was afraid and I know Dee now from when she's....a little fucking insane. (Just a little.) If I have such a hard time getting along with her, my own idiocy notwithstanding, then how the fuck is anyone ELSE going to get along with her?

I know she's in "rehab", but getting punched in the face makes me not want to go back to see her. And I'm a little annoyed that she got in trouble for hitting me. I want to be ANGRY with her for PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE, not sad that she got in trouble for it!

Jiro keeps crying, he really misses her. =-= And Kaz left. This really sucks. I'm taking care of Dee's baby while not able to talk to Kaz ABOUT Dee to try and figure out what to do. Eli's starting school again and AOT AND AKENO have VANISHED from the house. I see them for about five minutes, think they're in the house, and then POOF! They're not. Fucking ghosts.

Also, as for fucking ghosts, I don't understand the Semians haunting Aot. I haven't heard either of them speak a single word to me or any other human, but they keep ...nagging Aot. I've seen A get a LITTLE angry before. I don't want to see him really angry, please. @_@

...I don't know why, but for some reason, I just feel like if I can understand Dee more and get along with her, that's the first step. The first step to what, I don't know.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

2009-08-31T06:47:51Z

So... Eli and I were watching movies late at night together when this rape scene comes on. It's a bunch of guys beating up someone gay. Someone male and gay. Someone I get mistaken for. This is a violent scene...a graphic one.

Eli didn't see it, 'cause he had fallen asleep into my lap, which I'm...grateful for, because I think him turning it off and then looking at me the way he always does, asking if I'm ok would make me....kind of feel like crap this time.

Instead of trying to play the part of the healing rape victim, I got to turn off the TV on my terms and sit there, thinking.

The first thing that came to my mind after the scene ended and I turned off the screen was, "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

I didn't want to see the end of that movie. It's just a gut feeling. I just know I don't want to see it. Not now. Maybe not ever. I'm asking myself why, and I think it's because...I don't want to see how............differently we healed.

Is this really me? I don't get it. It wasn't THAT long ago that I would flinch internally when I saw Kaz. It wasn't THAT long ago that I showered a little bit of a lot too often. It wasn't THAT long ago that I'd wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, running over to the nearest trash can or toilet to throw up. So what the fuck is WRONG with me? How can I.....LOVE someone who hurt me?

I know that I pretend a lot. In front of Kaz and Eli, I pretend to be both a victim and normal, because that's what they want. I also pretend I have no problems with the fact that Kaz and I....fuck, he RAPED ME!! What the FUCK is wrong with me?! I don't have any answers like I tell Kaz! I don't KNOW why I CAN'T hate him. I fucking CAN'T be angry with him for it anymore! I have TRIED. I just CAN'T. I LOVE him too much.

And- fuck, I don't know, there's just something different about the way I see MY ~~rapes~~ traumas and the way I see the stuff I read in the newspaper, or see on cop dramas, or in movies.

How can I still look at those and think, "That wouldn't happen to me"?! I have to mentally slap myself and scream, "YES IT DID!"

I just don't know. I don't know anything. I trust Kaz not to hurt me again. I guess I can deal with that.

And then Eli scared me. More than once. All of a sudden, I was right back where I was more than two years ago, crying in the middle of the night over 20 minutes that felt like 20 years.

I do trust Kaz, and I'm not just saying it in an attempt to make myself believe it. He would defend me to the death. If someone aimed a gun at me, I fully believe he will jump in the path of the bullet- or kick the ass of the jerk holding the gun. But it feels....wrong. I feel like I'm lying to my past. Like I'm looking at me from that exact moment and saying, "EH, you'll get over it."

Am I..."over it"? Am I ever GOING to be "over it"? Is that what it means to trust Kaz? Does it mean I'm done? Healed?

I hate myself for this, but when I found out what happened to A, I just wanted to TALK to him. I wanted to find out what his experience was, before I saw how goddamn white he was and how he trembled, just because it was mentioned. Nobody knows what happened to him. No one was THERE. Everyone saw me at my most...vulnerable. It's common knowledge, "Devon is the rape victim. He got fucked up the ass when he didn't want it." Nobody can talk about what happened to A like with me, and it comes up when I least expect it. It's an assault, all the time, every DAY... and Aot doesn't have that, but he trembles.

Why don't I tremble anymore?

How come I feel just as broken now as I did when I was raped?

Ok, you know what....

2007-05-29T20:36:40Z

[[A/N:: ...This is the SHOE RAPE JOURNAL ENTRY!!! >8DD]]

Eli. Chained to me.

Kaz. Chained to a chair.

Ghosts. GONE.

Demeter. With Jiro.

There! All problems solved!

X_X

....Except for Dalal...someone needs to hit her over the head repeatedly with a brick. =___= ...and I'm not involved in any of this

EDIT!!!!: WE PASSED 75 REPLIES!!! EVERYONE, AND KAZ ESPECIALLY, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! @___________@;;;;;;;;;;;